PROSE AND VERSE;
SIEGE OF GIBRALTAR,
GOVERNESS OF THE LADIES ACADEMY,
No. 43, Bartholomew Close.
Printed for and Sold by the Authoress;
T. and G. Egerton, Charing-Cross, and G. Robinson, Paternoster-row.
M DCC LXXXIV.
Lieut. Governor of Gibraltar,
PERMIT me to solicit your patronage for the following trifles. Though unknown to you when I lived in Gibraltar, I was no stranger to the excellency of your private character. As a Commander I need not enlarge on your courage, prudence or fortitude: the World and his Majesty are convinced you possess every requisite that can form the General, or exalt the Gentleman. The grateful will confer on you rewards adequate to your merits.
May added years of glory and domestic felicity crown the arduous labours of your former life, is the sincere prayer of
And most obedient Servant,
It was not my intention to introduce the Miscellanies to the world by a Preface; but some Critics finding fault with my Poem intitled The Siege of Gibraltar, induces me to say a few words in my own defence.
One gentleman said it was not English; another avowed the versification was bad, as one line in it was a syllable too long. I take the liberty to present these able judges with a couplet from one of the greatest Poets England ever produced, where the first line contains ten syllables, and the second thirteen. Dryden, in his translation of Juvenal’s Codrus, says—
I shall subjoin two more lines from Mr. Pope, in which he takes the same liberty.
If my accusers expect me to write better than Dryden or Pope, they assign me a strange talk indeed! But I have done with these, and with much more pleasure address myself to the candid part of mankind. Far be such vanity from me to suppose that my Miscellany contains no faults; but my avocations as a Governess, will, I hope, plead my excuse! I have but little time to write, or correct what I write, and shall ingenuously confess, that I send the following sheets into the world, with a view to support my children, not to extend my own fame.
Wrote at Gibraltar, on General Ross
being appointed Colonel of the Royal Manchester Volunteers. 
Epistle to a Friend who had offered to go to Market for the Authoress.
— A Letter from the Authoress in London to her Father in
Epitaph, by desire of a Young Lady, on the
Death of her Canary Bird.
On hearing Doctor D**d as committed for Forgery. 
From Mrs. Upton in the School Room to Miss W— in the Parlour.
I sit, and almost muse myself to clay!
Wrote for, and spoken by a Child of Six Years Old.
To a Young Lady at Richmond Boarding School.
A Dialogue wrote for Two Children.
HOW close to books are we confin’d all day,We really have no time at all for play;I’m sick of getting such long talks in grammar,‘Tis fit for nothing but to make one stammer;And am so puzzled with these moods and tenses,I should not wonder if I lost my senses!Then when we write—our governess is so cross,That what to do I’m really at a loss;About my writing such a life I’m led,Sometimes I think she’ll surely break my head.
Hold! hold dear brother! what a rout you make!Do you, or I, most pains in learning take?Besides our lessons, don’t I work all day?Whilst you are minding nothing but your play.Close to my sampler I am kept till dinner,And really work till I shall grow much thinner!And that’s a grief I really ne’er expected.
Nay, Kitty, that I’m certain is not true,Pray recollect, you only work till two:Goodlack! you’ll make a very pretty wife,If you with dolls and playthings spend your life!Would you be thought a fashionable flirt,And not know how to make your husband’s shirt?
Upon my word, you talk profoundly wise,And, to be plain, some doubts begin to riseThat we are wrong, in thus disliking learning,Which all agree’s a treasure well worth earning.What paultry figures we in life should make,If to no science, or right views we take;In vain a lady’s dress’d with nicest care,If truth and learning fall not to her share!In vain that man assumes a pompous gait,Who gain’d no knowledge in his youthful state.‘Twill please our parents, and secure their love.
Well said, dear Kitty!—I’ll take your advice,And con my lessons over in a trice.I’d better now comply with ev’ry rule,Than be in future deem’d an errant fool!The youth who scorns an academic plan,Will never make a good ingenious man!
And she who spends her life in dress and play,Will find too late the error of her way.
Written to a Friend, in a blank Leaf of Young’s Night Thoughts. 
Extempore. To a Gentleman rudely drawing his Fingers over the Strings
of a Guitar.
To Mr. Upton, at the House of
Rendezvous, at the time of raising the Manchester Regiment.
By the Authoress to her Brother, who had some very fine Ale.
An Epistle to a Friend who had borrowed Prior’s Works.
The following is a Dialogue between Whitely, (late Manager of a Company of Comedians, and Proprietor of the Old Theatre in Manchester) and Harry Owen, Comedian, who was Confidant to Whitely, and had a remarkable bad Voice. Wrote by the Authoress at the time a Bill had passed the House of Commons for licensing a new Playhouse.
Say, my good Sir! what new vexation now?What carking care thus lords it o’er your brow?
Hast thou not heard then—heard my dire disgrace?Or are thy ears as senseless as thy face?Does no compassion, Hal. thy breast invade,For thy loft patron, thus distress’d, betrayed?Oh! for a thunderbolt to fire the town,Or some new plague, to bring these upstarts down:Their worn-out slave, just ready for his urn!Oh! could I crush them as I break this glass,I would not spare one trading, groveling ass!
Alas! my friend, thy grief I understand,And Younger triumphs in a new command.The Bill has pass’d—My fears foretell it all,And we may quit this base terrestrial ball!Manchester has deserted me and you;Our kings may beg, our queens may learn to sew.But fears avaunt! and black despair adieu!Courage and constancy may wonders do.Our happiness is not yet circumscrib’dTo one proud spot; that never would be brib’dWith decorations and expensive painting,And curtains too, to keep the fair from fainting:But Stamford, Nottingham, and Derby too,Shall claim our praise, and well reward our crew.
Cease babbling blockhead! cease thy aukward aim,Alike I’m dead to profit and to fame!No Paulet there, with comic pen to write,And bring applauding multitudes each night!Will Codrus’s author deign again to drawHis quill, and give my benefit a law?How shall I keep my strolling rogues in awe?In every order they will find a flaw.While Manchester received me every year,Each son of tragedy I held in fear.
This love of rule in thee has been the lureOf ev’ry evil that we now endure:Despotic sway has led you to engageA set of wretches, who disgrace the stage!Oh! fatal error!—Could thou not thee foresee,Mancunium’s sons would not be gull’d by thee?Bus’ness, or pleasure, calls them oft to town,To see performers of the first renown.
Him, who thyself has aided to perplex:Has not thy croaking weary’d ev’ry ear,And call’d forth hisses which thou couldst not bear?If this is all the comfort thou canst give,Cease to repeat it, or I’ll cease to live!Lead me to some inhospitable shore,Where winds and waves keep one perpetual roar!Othello’s rage shall there be all my own,While trees shall weep, and rocks shall learn to moan.Such scenes as those best suit my wretched mind,Peace, joy, and happiness, I give the wind.[An embellishment appears here.]
Intended for the Lady’s Magazine. 
AS Mr. Addison  and other ingenious authors, have communicated their thoughts under the similitude of a dream; I hope I shall not be altogether condemned for conveying my opinions in the same way.
One evening, ruminating on the vicissitudes of human life, I was pained to reflect on the glitter which villainy sometimes enjoys, and the affluence in which numbers of worthless beings flutter through this sublunary world. I contrasted these situations to my own, and was hurt by reflecting, that though I had ever endeavoured to secure a competency, by the utmost exertion of honest industry, I was still oppressed with the iron hand of misfortune. With these thoughts, I fell into a profound sleep. Methought a messenger from Plutus  stood before me, and addressed me in the following words:
In concluding these words, he vanished from my sight. Transported with the view of my approaching grandeur, I failed not instantly to try the new power I was invested with, and found my most sanguine wishes completed.
After filling numberless coffers with this precious metal, I began to deliberate how to dispose of it, and where to lodge it in safety. Not to display my wealth, was not to enjoy it; and to emerge from obscurity, into the glare of pomp, and the bustle of parade, would be subjecting myself to such enquiries, as would with difficulty be surmounted. At last, I determined, (as fancy knows no bounds) to leave my native land: I thought myself transported to one of those islands known by the name of Laputa.  Here I fixed my residence, and became the envy of the inhabitants.
In order, however, to ingratiate myself into the esteem of the people, I failed not to distribute large sums to the needy. The fame of my wealth and generosity reached the ear of the Prince of the island, and I was ordered into his presence, to give an account of my wealth and origin.
“Tell me,” said he, with a severe aspect, “who it is that furnishes thee with those vast sums thou expendest in thy mode of living. Thy life depends on thy veracity; no subterfuge shall save thee.” Awed by his menaces, and terrified by the brightness of his scymetar,  which he waved over my head, I instantly declared the truth.
“Retaining this person in my Court,” said he,
turning to his Prime Minister, “will infallibly secure me a conquest over
my enemies. The vast armies I shall be able to raise, with the sums she can
furnish me with, will at once secure me victory, and extend my fame. But
care must be taken that she escapes not from us, lest she should render my
foes those services I am determined to exact from her.”
“Am I then to be a prisoner,” said I, “great Prince? restore to me my freedom! for what is state or wealth, or even life, without liberty? O Plutus, give me back my humble lot! Let me steal along the vale of life unnoticed and unknown! Take away thy dangerous gift; I know not how to use it with safety.”
The agitations of my mind were so great at this instant, that sleep forsook me, and I awoke corrected! convinced how presumptuous it is for Finite to arraign Infinite!
ROCHEFOCAULT  says, “There are convenient marriages, but no happy ones.” I think this observation should be confined to the French, who have more urbanity than sincerity, or constancy. But the fashionable English outstrip the satire of that severe Moralist and do not seem to have even conveniency in view; for to be false, and to separate, is now the consequence of marriage. Sad depravity! to subvert the noblest and most probable scheme of happiness ever formed in this or any other government! That the married state may be productive of felicity, will be allowed by every candid person, and therefore easily demonstrated.
Love and friendship are the most rational and delightful passions of the heart; but as that love must be dangerous, and unsatisfactory, which is placed on an object that one would not chuse for a friend; and as disappointments in friendship hurt the happiness of society, I will venture to give my opinion of a proper choice, both of a lover and a friend.
First, then, I affirm that friendships between men, are often short and disgustful, as they are the most part divested of that early
Far be it from the writer’s design, (in placing the merits of her own sex in a proper light,) either to extenuate or exaggerate, the faults of those unthinking fair ones, who deviate from the road of Virtue in conjugal life; the first were base, as no female character is more detestable than an inconstant wife: the latter needless, as the loss of Fame and Peace, is the consequence of their crimes. But there are cases, in which the Lords of the Creation expect a conduct from us, that they cannot persevere in themselves; namely, that of reclaiming an unfaithful husband. When a wife offends in point of chastity, every act of temerity, nay, even insanity from her injured partner is justified.
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I THINK it scarcely admits of a doubt, whether or no the superior degree of knowledge, the English have been attaining these two centuries, contributes in the least to their emolument or rectitude.
Almost every man you meet is a slave to Ambition, and scorns the road marked out for him by Providence. Merchants would be ennobled! retailers of muslin would be merchants! and pennyless clerks would be respectable drapers! “Ambition stalks the land,” end every man is ashamed of his character!
Domestic happiness is out of the question; and to figure away, seems the end and aim of the whole world. From this cause, marriages without affection take place; and the tenderest connections are suppressed, for convenient bargains. Women of small experience and large fortunes, are addressed by Men who cannot support their own extravagance; but with the pecuniary assistance of a wife’s fortune, they, in time, become eminent bankrupts.
Price induces us to quit our own spheres, but is the most wretched companion in the world under misfortunes. It magnifies our merits,
The Writer of this is not so ignorant of the commercial world, as to suppose, that every failure in trade is the result of thoughtless luxury; but when the prudent, the careful, and industrious, are involved in calamities which belong only to the dissipated part of mankind; the guilt of the latter becomes double, by entailing misery on the worthy.
The road to avoid these inconveniences, is so plain and easy, that it is perfectly astonishing how few strike into it. If every one would have the wisdom and humility to trade, and appear agreeable to his fate and fortune; how small would be the number of those unhappy mortals, who exchange safety for shew, and competence for wretchedness.
On Female Education.
NOTHING that is so commonly practiced, is perhaps less understood than the Education of Children. I have long been of opinion, that it would vastly encrease the wisdom and happiness of this state, if the Legislature was to prohibit those from forming the minds of Youth, who by nature, or want of education, are unfit for that important office. This, by some, will be thought a strange assertion; but let him or her, who is of this opinion, stop a moment, and ask themselves, what employment can be of more importance, than that which is to form the minds and manners of the people of the next age?
Lycurgus went farther than this: the Lacedemonians were not suffered to educate their own children.  That great lawgiver, who studied human nature as well as politics; undoubtedly knew, that fond parents do not always see what is for the real advantage of their children.
Let it not be inferred from hence, that I think a public education now invariably necessary; in my opinion it is of no consequence, whether children are instructed at home or abroad, provided they are not suffered to neglect what their parents intend they should learn,
Reading, when justly performed, is one of those graces which every one is charmed with, and few attain to. The committing the rudiments of this branch to persons who are unacquainted with the powers of the human voice, even in speaking, is one of those errors, which parents should carefully avoid. For as there is a better and a worse method of inculcating every thing, so I would recommend this to be much attended to.
Children should be accustomed to declame as soon as they can speak. Let them learn by rote some interesting stories or short fables, adapted to their capacities; but never suffer them to repeat a line, but in the tones you judge to be proper and elegant.
Some people, who have not attended to the capacities of children, may think this impracticable: on the contrary; nothing is more easy. Almost every person has had an opportunity of observing, that a child of five or six years old, with a musical ear, will learn a tune with great exactness, without the smallest knowledge of the principles of music. Why should the former be thought more difficult than this? The proper cadence at a note of admiration, and a period, with the raising of the voice at a note of interrogation, are
I have always found the most difficulty in teaching the proper variation at a colon and semicolon. The former is so nearly allied to the fall at a period, and the latter to raising the voice at a note of interrogation, that it has been only by frequently repeating these sounds, I could make myself understood. They may be compared to the half tones in music, which many voices are unable to make, and many ears incapable of distinguishing. When in this case I have labored long without effect, I have generally had recourse to some of my boarders, and desired them to instruct the new pupils. This has generally answered my end; for every child thinks it very possible for her to learn what seems so easy to another, or from a desirable emulation, is determined to accomplish, what appears so acceptable in a school-fellow.
Would every parent who has leisure, attend to this, or see that their offspring are placed with those who make it a rule to do it, they would find their children better readers at seven years of age, than those who are neglected in those points are at fourteen.
I have always endeavoured to remove, as much as possible, at proper seasons, that unnecessary and painful diffidence, which pupils are too apt to feel in the presence of an instructor. Children do not know how to separate the ideas of a teacher and a tyrant. This is owing to the inconsiderateness of those parents, who draw comparisons between what their children enjoy while in their own houses, and the mortification they must suffer when placed at a boarding school. Every meal, perhaps, for a few preceding weeks, they are reminded what plenty they are indulged with to what they will find at school. Alas! how silly and impolitic is this! to fill their tender minds with terror, and draw on that backwardness to enter upon a course of education, which is the grand barrier to all improvement!
Would parents pursue a different conduct, and teach their daughters, to consider a governess as a kind of substituted mother, whose tenderness will be extended to them in all that relates to their real
The ridicule my sex has long borne for their incorrect writing, makes me very desirous to cultivate a knowledge of English grammar. In general, girls are required to learn such a variety of things, in a little time, and to send home such a quantity of fine needle work, as leaves but few opportunities for the improvement of their mental abilities. I never found the most copious grammars the most useful; for when young minds are once tired with the tediousness of any thing they are pursuing, nothing is so fatal a bar to their proficiency. Fenning’s and Dilworth’s short grammars may be repeated many times in a few weeks.  These well understood and retained, with frequently giving talks of false English to turn into good grammar, I have found sufficient to make my pupils
The taking this fatiguing part of my scholar’s education upon myself, was not any emolument to me: a reading master, (as he is generally called) attends a boarding school so short a time, as leaves me very much in doubt, whether young ladies are much the better for his portion of instruction. What, in the name of common sense, can one hour or two in a day do for thirty, forty, or fifty scholars?
THIS is esteemed so common and easy a part of education, that many people would think it almost impossible to advance any thing new upon the subject; but as I have taught Writing myself, and have attended the errors and improvements of my pupils with a motherly anxiety, I shall venture to mention my opinion in this matter.
I think it a fatal mistake to suffer children to write too long at a time. Writing, when properly pursued, is as much a work of imitation as drawing; and as no person can copy or imitate in a true and masterly manner when the fancy is weary, it follows, con-
This method opens the fingers, and gives the hand that proper scope which is certain to form a free and masterly hand. When a young beginner is permitted to write joining hand, it should be very large for six months; this manner of instructing will most assuredly enable the learner to avoid a crampt and confined hand, which is so much complained of in female writing.
Letter writing is another branch of education, in which young people can never be taken too much pains with. I was always happy when my boarders friends required frequent letters, for nothing but constant practice can make a person perfect in orthography. Neither do I think a mere filial correspondence enough for a young lady while at school; I have never failed to desire a further exertion of my pupils talents in this way, by giving them a
From this practice, much entertainment has accrued to myself: it was a continual source of delight to me, to encourage the timid, and praise the ingenious. By these means I am certain I have called forth many latent sparks of genius, which would have lain dormant and unknown, even to the possessor.
WITH respect to young ladies learning French, it has ever been my opinion, that they should be allowed three or four years for the attainment of it. I do not mean to insinuate that they should have no other employment during that time; but amongst other avocations, their French should be carefully attended to for some years. How many young ladies do we meet with who pretend to speak French, and yet do not know what a verb is in that or their native language! Would it not be more eligible to be a proficient in one language, than a blunderer in two? I think I shall have every one of good common sense on my side, when I aver, that a woman who writes her mother tongue with elegance and correctness, is a more agreeable and estimable character, than she who knows
Nothing raises us from the cares and anxieties of this sublunary world, more than a knowledge of Astronomy. When we consider what an amazing body that immense globe of fire the sun is, how many worlds he enlightens, what an astonishing force it requires to protrude each planet in its orbit, how probable it is that each fixed star is a sun, warming and chearing other world imperceptible to us, we are lost in the contemplation of that Divine Being who is the grand Artificer of these works, and the eternal Father of the Universe!
It is a very easy matter for a young lady to gain such a knowledge of this, as to exalt her ideas of the Deity, and give her a competent understanding of the Solar system, the situation of our earth and her neighbouring planets, without searching too deeply into the scientific parts, or spending half her life with a pair of globes before her.
MUSIC is now become a science, and is to those who have naturally a fine ear, the most pleasing and entertaining part of Education; it rewards us as we go on, by a delightful assemblage of For those who have fortune and leisure, there cannot be a more rational and innocent amusement. Though I have taught the guitar many years, yet I think the harpsichord is an instrument which every lady should prefer to it, whose friends are willing to be at the expence of a music master three or four years. But a young lady may have a musical year, and an agreeable voice, who has not so much time to spare for this purpose; in this case, I think the guitar not only proper but desirable, as it is very possible, with a good ear and due attention, to learn to play well in three or four months. I have not said thus much in favour of the guitar, from a supposition that any emolument will ever arise to myself, as I teach it gratis to my pupils.
DANCING I scarcely need enlarge upon, as it is almost impossible to be either graceful or genteel without some instruction in this art; but care should be taken that too much time should not be expended in it by those pupils who are to continue but a few years at school. It is not necessary that every lady should dance like Madam Heinel, or Simonette.  To dance a minuet with ease, or join in a cotillion or country dance with facility, is sufficient for most ladies both before and after marriage. This
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 EDITOR'S NOTE: These lines are taken from the Third Satire of Juvenal; Dryden himself appends a footnote to the name, writing, “Codrus, or it may be Cordus: a bad poet who wrote the life and actions of Theseus.” BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: William Dodd (c. 1740-1777) was a Church of England clergyman well known for his fashionable dress (earning him the nickname “the Macaroni Parson”). Also a forger, Dodd was convicted of a capital forgery. A popular campaign to obtain mercy for Dodd was begun—among its participants was Samuel Johnson—but it was unsuccessful, and Dodd was hanged. See Rawlings. BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: Upton seems to conflate two lines from Pope’s “Essay on Man”: from Epistle I, “Whatever is, is right” (l. 298), and from Epistle III, “Whate’er is best administer’d, is best” (l. 304). BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: In Greek mythology, Philomela was a princess of Athens who, after her brother-in-law Tereus raped her and cut out her tongue, wove a tapestry telling her sister, Procne, what had happened to her. In revenge, Procne killed her son and served it to Tereus. Escaping from Tereus, Procne and Philomela were transformed into birds. Traditionally, Philomela is transformed into a nightingale, whose song is thus associated with sorrow. See Ovid’s Metamorphoses, Book VI. BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: The Lady’s Magazine was published between 1770 and 1847. The Dictionary of Nineteenth-century Journalism in Great Britain and Ireland indicates that it “included several of the elements which came to define ‘the woman’s magazine’ for the next century. These included fiction, articles, poetry, music, exemplary biographies (often illustrated), and dress and fashion” (Brake and Demoor 342). While the title is ambiguous, I have been unable to determine whether this piece in fact appeared in the magazine. BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: Lycurgus was a Spartan legislator in the ninth century (B.C.E.); Lacedaemon is another name for Sparta. See Xenophon’s On the Lacedemonian Republic, in The Whole Works of Xenophon. BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: Upton misquotes John Milton’s Comus (1634). Comus extols the power of music, recalling scenes from his childhood with his mother, Circe, the sirens, and the naiads “Culling their Potent hearbs, and balefull drugs, / Who as they sung, would take the prison’d soul, And lap it in Elysium…” (ll. 255-57). BACK
 EDITOR'S NOTE: Anna Heinel (1752-1808) was a well-known German ballerina. By “Simonette” lUpton probably means Madame Simonet, a “noted dramatic ballerina who performed the leading roles in many of Noverre’s ballets” and who also taught younger dancers (Eliot 31). BACK